My dad got sick my junior year of high school. We learned pretty quickly that the first thing people would ask is "how's your dad?" I dreaded that question. I would slip into church just in time to start the meetings on the hope that I could avoid it. We all did. There is never an easy answer to that question, and falling apart in public is not exactly the best feeling in the world. When I did say what was really going on, I would get the typical response "it'll be okay". That is the last thing I wanted to hear. It is not comforting. It doesn't help.
And after a while, you learn to put on this mask. You learn to just smile and wave and say "he's doing fine", cause if you tell the truth, they just don't get it. Most of my friends didn't get it. They didn't understand the life altering changes that happen when someone you love goes through what my Dad has gone through. They didn't understand when I didn't feel like talking to anyone at school. They didn't understand the fear any time the phone rang. They didn't know the stress of trying to step in and help two younger siblings who were struggling to figure out how to handle this new situation. They didn't understand why I grew up so fast. So I stopped trying to talk about it. I learned to put a mask on and be the one that was calm and stepping in to help when inside I was freaking out. I was scared. I still am. Any time something else goes wrong I'm the one explaining what's going on. I'm the one trying to keep everyone from losing it, especially mom. Inside I'm a wreck. But I'm really really good at hiding that. I have a very hard time sharing my feelings, and writing them on this blog is really difficult. But I am working on opening up, and since I'm in the middle of nowhere, this is the best way.
This has all helped mold me into the person I am today. I don't make friends easily. These new people I meet will never understand why I always have to have my phone with me. Because that is my lifeline. If something goes wrong I have to know. They won't understand why going home means so much to me. Because he is still here. They won't understand why I decided to be nurse. Because until you have gone through it, you don't understand. I've been told I have a wall around me, that I appear stuck up at times. I have a hard time letting go and having fun. I don't get close to people. I've gotten really good at being the one everyone thinks of as a friend, yet no one remembers to invite to things. I'm trying to change this. I'm trying to be more open and outgoing and get to know people better. But it's hard. Try going on a date and have the person ask you why you became a nurse. It's a very complicated question. But a common one. How do I explain the life changing situation of my Dad without scaring the crap out of him? Trust me, it's happened.
This experience has also helped me see the good in life. I may have problems, but I have become stronger. My family has become stronger.
I have three best friends that have stuck by me through everything. They have kept me sane, their children keep me smiling. We sidewalk chalked the roundabout, got Naked at Walmart (the drink), played on the playground, sat on the bench at Becky's for hours with a carton of Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie and a carton of Haagendaz sorbet just talking about life, made Jamba runs, have girls nights, watch ridiculous movies that we know by heart, skipped school to play DDR, and so many other things. These girls are the true example of friendship. I would not have made it through without them and their unwavering support. From text messages every morning saying "hello love!" to walks in the park at midnight, I am so glad I have these girls in my life. I will be friends with these girls forever. Who would have known that the new girl who walked into my sixth grade class would become someone I would rely on so heavily? That the girl in all of my core classes in seventh grade would become such an amazing example to me? I can't even remember a time that Shalee and I weren't friends. We would meet under the trailer so one of us wouldn't have to walk the whole fifty feet alone.
My family is my rock, and my support. We have been through a whole hell of a lot together. We have been through downs and ups. We got to go on a family trip to St George after Christmas and we were all together. We are a family. We always will be. I am so grateful for the opportunity to become a stronger, closer family. My parents are the ultimate example of a marriage. I have never heard them fight. They stand by each other through thick and thin. We have an amazing support system of family and friends that will drop everything at a moments notice to step in and help wherever needed. We get food, blessings, trees trimmed, and so many hugs and shows of encouragement. They say it takes a neighborhood to raise a child, and it's so very true. I can't imagine living anywhere else. I can't imagine having gone through this without their support. When I was stuck down in Cedar going crazy cause I couldn't' be there, I knew that the neighborhood would be. I knew that someone would check on my mom everyday. I knew that David would never want for food, and he had friends to rely on if he needed something, even something as simple as somewhere to go after school.
I am so grateful that my Daddy is still here. I am in awe of him everyday. He is my hero. He is my Daddy.
This post is really long. And difficult. If you stuck through it to the end than maybe you have a better understanding of why I am the way I am. If I depressed you, I'm sorry. But I had to let it out.
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